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【复盘】checking in with myself

· 4 min read
schwa
schwa
Developer/Gym Rat

review

1. Diet, lately​

  • I'm feeling okay with my diet now — the pattern is cereal with milk for breakfast, even on weekends, and I genuinely love the combo.
  • On workdays, I go to a café for lunch, something like a bocadillo and a tortilla. Not super healthy, but it's normal Spanish food, I think?
  • Dinner has been kind of big, but at least I keep it healthy. I don't really eat Chinese food, but I eat a lot of good food — a decent balance, I think.
  • On weekends, I also try to eat in good amounts.

In short, I don't think I'm mad at myself about this anymore, and I keep up a regular workout routine to balance things out, so I'm happy. I do hope that if I spend more time with my boyfriend soon, he can influence me to eat more slowly. Hahaha.

2. Relationship​

Honestly, it's going badly. My old patterns are resurfacing, and my boyfriend is really bad at being caring or providing emotional support — not even meeting the basic standard, let alone my hidden expectations underneath. Because of that, I've become a lot less attached to him, both mentally and physically.

I know the solution if I want to keep going: I need to teach him. But I'm the lazy one when it comes to relationships, since I never really wanted a long one — this time, though, I want to make it a year. We'll see. First I'll wait until this difficult stretch ends, and maybe it never will, since he hasn't given me much positive hope.

We'll see. Honestly, I'm not worried about him.

There's also a small thing he asked — whether he can satisfy me. I said no, laughing, but I think maybe that's actually true. I need to explore things alongside him; the drive is still more mine than his.

Another thing this relationship triggered is my thinking on family, which I'll get into in point 3.

3. Family, but with a question mark​

I definitely have trauma from family. I never really felt healthy love within a family, and I've also experienced the unfairness of society and patriarchy. I'm not really a "family person," but I do want to try? I don't know. I'll see. Not to mention kids — a bigger topic.

My boyfriend, though, is very solid about wanting a family and kids. Interesting.

I'll see, and keep thinking about it.

4. The change of the moment: writing and creating​

I'm in a good place with sports, work, and reading — now it's time to change how I connect with society. Before, I liked sharing and talking; now I want to focus on output. I'll maintain a website called "Conversation with Everything," working on it part-time, and promoting it part-time too.

This is also reinforced by my boss, who doesn't want me spending time chatting on WeChat. I'd also been thinking earlier that I should cut myself off from Chinese social media and its information flow. Does that make sense?

This feels like the right timing to shift toward a more English- and Spanish-focused context. I think it's healthier, and it'll make me more capable in a multilingual environment.

So, I think this 4th point will be a big change in behavior and pattern for the rest of this year. I hope I can really stick with it long term. Jiayou!!!

5. Finance, career, and more​

My boyfriend has a clear, early perspective and plan for his career, but I'm more "go with the flow." I'm standing at the gate of my 30s, still exploring the adult world — I've done lots of things, failed, succeeded, learned, followed the regular path, had passion, and more. I really take every chance to be an adult, experiencing all kinds of things. I want to be financially healthy so I can support my life with ease.

I know I'm capable of more, for sure, but I'll be good. Also noting a lesson I learned at the office: bosses want to trap you and shape you into something like a slave. The tradeoff between work and money needs to be evaluated — if I become capable of owning more resources, I should close that tradeoff, since it's too demanding right now. I'll use this as motivation.

6. Some feminist thoughts​

Ever since I started dating a white man, I've found my feminist thoughts becoming a lot more reflective. I remember feeling — wow, life really is easier as a white man, with more opportunities and fewer traps. It made me realize I need to put more effort into building a better life for myself, especially since I'm building from kind of a deficit. But at least I have myself, and I'll keep exploring.